Reasons Why I’m Single

it really only has one use

It should be simple

Have you seen the toilet paper commercial where the husband keeps stepping out of the bathroom because there is no toilet paper and the wife throws him a new roll from down the hall? First she throws him a too rough roll which buzzes a stripe of hair off of his head, second she throws him a too soft roll which explodes on impact with his chest, and finally we see her throw him a “just right” roll from the laundry room.

Now I’m a guy, so I really don’t care much about the quality of my toilet paper. I mean really, come on, the only thing I use toilet paper for is to wipe shit out of my ass. As long as it accomplishes that simple task I really don’t care how soft, white, smooth, strong, whatever, it is. All I need is for it to be there and to perform a simple task.

But the whipped nature of the husband in this commercial gets to me! Come on man, be a man!

First off, explain the facts of the matter to your charming wife. BITCH, STOP LEAVING JUST 2 SHEETS OF TOILET PAPER ON THE ROLL! Every time this poor shmuck goes into the bathroom, there is no paper left! Obviously she needs an education in toilet paper etiquette. The rule is simple – if there isn’t enough left on the roll to do the job for the next visitor to the bathroom, then REPLACE THE ROLL!

Secondly, this woman needs a lesson in basic supply chain replenishment and inventory optimization. Why would you store the supply of toilet paper in the laundry room? Who needs toilet paper in the laundry room? NOBODY! Store the supply of toilet paper in the BATHROOM – that’s where it is needed! That way when some inconsiderate woman leaves you without enough toilet paper to do the job, you don’t have to leave the room to get more. Get with it honey, from now on we store at least a four pack of toilet paper in the bathroom. I don’t care if it clashes with your dainty decor, toilet paper belongs in the bathroom.

Do NOT make me purchase this roll!

This woman wouldn’t have lasted a week in my house. And that is certainly one of the reasons why I’m (still) single.

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